Monday, August 13, 2018

The Android's Guide to Back Massagers

This post might get messy, but life does that.
Avoid at all costs.

My soon-to-be-ex-wife Angela is a sex therapist. This has always brought a great source of comedy into my life, and at times a lot of awkwardness. A few months back, Angela and I were discussing what gift to give her sister for her bridal shower.

“You should get her a sex toy,” I told her. “They are getting married. They might need one.”

“I can’t,” she said. “It’s my sister! It’s being thrown by her church.”

“So what?” I said. “You’re a marriage therapist and a sex therapist. People expect you to give her one.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” she said.

I let out a sigh of ecstasy at having heard my favorite sentence. Oh, it’s the best sentence ever. “You know I love hearing that.”

“You're so stupid. But it is a bridal shower,” she continued. “I guess you’re supposed to give that kind of gift.”

It took a few hours to ferment. All great ideas must fester at the front of the cerebral cortex, growing like a cancer, like a tumor, pulsing, until the idea finally forms.

“Oh, my god,” I said later that evening. I looked up from the keyboard with a smile. “You should totally buy her a vibrator and tape a piece of paper to the front of the box to cover it. Then write ‘BACK MASSAGER’ on it. It will be very discreet.”

Angela knew exactly what to do. Later that week, she brought home a Trojan branded personal massager from Wal-Mart and I helped her tape the note on the box, writing the letters out myself. The Trojan branding made it very clear what this tool was used for. Here’s a hint: It does not massage your back.

Now, I did not attend the bridal shower, as it is one of the few wedding events I get to opt out of, but I was told it went over well when her sister unwrapped the gift.

“Oh, it’s a back massager,” she said.

“It’s not a back massager,” Angela said, deadpan.

“But it says right here…” Her sister pointed to the box.

“Josh wrote that…”

It took her a few seconds to catch on, but oh how I wish I could have been there for those few seconds. As it dawned on her what she held, her face turned beet red and the room full of her friends and family cracked up laughing.

A twelve year old girl had apparently attended the bridal shower with her mother spoke up. “What’s so funny about a back massager? Mom, what is it?”

“Never mind,” her mother said.

I'm sure that was an interesting ride home.

Friday, August 10, 2018

The Android's Vaguebook Update From Hell

My vaguebook skills are immeasureable
Don't ask me why, but I feel incredible
Then I feel lost, defeated, accepting the inevitable

Not sure why I can't help but rhyme
I burn seventeen bridges by the time
I finish this sentence and curse the divine

Just expressing the pain makes me cry
It's hard to do in simple terms, to clarify
I'll tell you more when it's time

For now, don't attempt to ask me why
Everyone loves poetry,
But tell me, Josh, is everything all right?

Thursday, August 9, 2018

The Android's Photography Part 1

I like taking photos. Probably a little too much. I will whip my phone out and snap a pic almost anywhere, even when it's socially unacceptable. I just see something I like and I want to capture the image, because I think it's beautiful. My favorite thing to photograph is nature, but I also find beauty in many other places, and even in some humans. ;-)

Note: The weekly post on Monday will still be here. Consider this a bonus.

I post some of my photos to google maps contribute, and some of them actually get a lot of views. I am already up to 400,000 views on my pics after doing it over a year, but I'm not sure if that is a big number.

 Today, I'm going to share some of my favorite photos of recent history. Many include my daughter Olivia and her mother Angela. Enjoy.

From the top of the Island of Capri in Italy.

St. Charles Community College during the 2017 Solar Eclipse.

Trees! I take way too many pics of trees...

Mommy and daughter look at butterflies

Oh, so that's how evolutionary biology works

My little rockstar, stage name Little Bit

They turned off our TV and we wants it!

More trees!


Definitely a rockstar...

No, look up here...

I had to make it clear that she is not allowed to jump into the lake.

Mommy and daughter learning together


Not posing. My Little Bit always looks that cute.

Sunset in Sorrento

A grotto in Italy

Is this pizza?!

This definitely is. Best pizza in Rome at Pinsere

Even androids need hugs, but with 75% more Grrrr!

When we kennel her, we always leave a bowl of water and food inside.
Kidding, but she loves to play in there.

On to the next venue, driver!

Mommy planking

Nature walks are a great place to reset and center


Winter at night

The bluffs in Missouri

The Android rebooting in the wild
The Android (Josh)